God,
Sometimes, I really don’t understand You. I do not mean that disrespectfully. I mean I genuinely do not understand how You can know everything about me and still love me the way You do. Who am I? Who am I that You keep loving me?
You know me. Not the version of me that everybody else sees. Not the version I know how to clean up and present well. Not the version that says the things, smiles at the right time, and knows how to look like everything is okay. You know me.
You know every thought I’ve never said loud. Every time, I knew better and still chose wrong. Every promise, I made to You and didn’t keep. Every time, I said, “Lord I won’t do that again ” only to find myself back in the place asking You to forgive me again.
You know the parts. The prideful parts. The impatient parts. The fearful parts. The parts of me that still need healing. The parts that still need growing. The parts I would nobody else ever see.. Somehow, after knowing all of that You still say, Mine. That overwhelms me.
Why Do You Love Us Like This?
I think sometimes we have become so familiar with saying God loves us that we forget how incredible that actually is. God You knew who we were when You chose to love us. You were not fooled by our Sunday clothes. You were not impressed by our titles. You were not waiting to see whether we would finally get ourselves together. You knew.
You knew humanity would sin. You knew we would reject You. You knew we would choose our way. You knew we would sometimes treat Your grace casually. Your mercy like something we were entitled to.. Still You sent Jesus.
“But God commendeth his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
While we were yet sinners. Not after we changed. Not after we apologized. Not after we became worthy. While we were still sinners. That part gets me.
Because if I’m being truthful sometimes, I understand loving the version of somebody. I understand loving somebody who has changed. I understand loving somebody who appreciates Your love.. Loving people while knowing they will disappoint you? Loving them while knowing they will sometimes choose everything except You? Loving them enough to sacrifice for them ? God, what kind of love is this?
You Know Everything and Stay Anyway
People can love the version of us they know.. You love us knowing everything. Psalm 139 says You have searched us and known us. You know when we sit down and when we get up. You understand our thoughts from afar.
There is nowhere we can go where You are not there. That means there has never been a moment when You discovered something about me and said, Well I didn’t know THAT. You already knew. Before I ever made the mistake You knew. Before I ever fell short You knew. Before I ever needed grace You knew how grace I would need.. You still wanted me. I do not know if I will ever fully understand that.
Sometimes I Struggle to Give Myself the Grace You’ve Already Given Me
God can I be really honest? Sometimes, I hold things against myself that You have already forgiven. I replay things You have already covered. I remember who I used to be and wonder how You could possibly use me now.
Sometimes, the hardest person for me to believe You still love… Is me. Because I know me. I know where I’ve fallen short. I know the opportunities I wasted. I know the times I should have trusted You and didn’t. I know the moments when You were faithful. I was still afraid. I know the prayers I prayed while secretly trying to control the answer. I know how times Your grace has carried me.
Sometimes, I wonder, God aren’t You tired of me yet?. Then, I remember Lamentations 3:22–23:
“It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
New every morning. Not because I deserve a supply. Because You are faithful.
Maybe I have spent much time trying to understand Your love through the limitations of human love. Your love is not fragile like ours can be. Your mercy does not run out because I needed much yesterday. Your grace is not given reluctantly. You do not forgive me while secretly keeping a list to use against me. You are God.. Apparently, God loves differently.
Who Am I?
David asked something
“What is man that art mindful of him?”
Psalm 8:4
I understand the question. Because when I think about who You’re then think about who I am… Who am I that You think about me? Who am I that You listen when I pray? Who am I that You correct me of abandoning me? Who am I that You keep calling me ? Who am I that You give me another chance? Who am I that You allow me to participate in Your purpose? Who am I that Jesus would go to the cross knowing how imperfect I would be?
Maybe I have been asking the question. Maybe the greatest revelation is not found in discovering who I’m. Maybe it is found in remembering who You are.
You are merciful. You are gracious. You are patient. You are faithful. You are holy. You are forgiving. You are love.. Your love for me says far more about Your character than it ever could about my performance.
Grace Doesn’t Give Me Permission to Stay the Same
Lord, I do not want to misunderstand Your love. I do not want to use grace as an excuse to keep choosing what separates my heart from You. If anything Your love makes me want to live
How could I experience this kind of mercy? Not want to become more like You? Your grace is not permission for me to remain comfortable in sin. It is the reason I can get up when I fall. It is the reason I can repent of hiding. It is the reason shame does not get the word. It is the reason my worst moment does not have to become my identity.
You love me as I am. You love me too much to leave me unchanged.. I am grateful for that too.
So Maybe I’ll Never Understand It
Maybe there are some things about You that my human mind will never fully comprehend.. Maybe Your love is one of them. How You can look at people and see people worth redeeming? How You can know our failures before they happen and still have purpose for our lives? How You can watch us wander? Still welcome us home. How You can hear us say, “I’m sorry ” again? Still meet genuine repentance with mercy.
How You could love us enough to give Your Son for us? I do not understand it.. God… I am grateful for it. I am grateful that Your love is not based on how I perform. I am grateful that my mistakes have not canceled Your mercy. I am grateful that when I come to You honestly I do not have to pretend. I am grateful that You know who I am.. You love me still.
So when I ask, “Who am I that You would love me like this?” Maybe I do not need an answer that makes me feel more important. Maybe I just need to look toward heaven and say, “God, who’re You that You could love me this much?”. Then, let my life become one long thank You.
A Question to Sit With
Have you been allowing your imperfections to make you question a love that God has already demonstrated through Jesus?
Maybe an even harder question: Are you still punishing yourself for something you have genuinely repented of and God has already forgiven?
Take that to Him. No performance. No pretending. Just. God. He already knows.
A Prayer From My Heart
God,
Who am I? I ask that sometimes because when I look at myself honestly I see many places where I still fall short. You have been faithful when I have not been. You have been patient when I have been stubborn. You have shown me mercy times than I can count.. Still You love me. Thank You. Thank You for knowing everything about me and not turning away. Thank You for Jesus. Thank You for a love I did not earn. Could never repay.
Forgive me for the times I have taken Your grace for granted. Forgive me for the times I have knowingly chosen my way of Yours. Search my heart. Show me the places that still need to be surrendered to You.
Father, help me receive Your love without using it as an excuse to remain the same. Let Your grace change me. Let Your mercy humble me. Let Your forgiveness make me more forgiving. Let Your patience make me more patient. Let the way You love me teach me how to love others.
When shame tries to remind me of who I have been remind me of who You are. My Redeemer. My Father. My Savior. The God who knew me completely… And loved me anyway.
I may never fully understand why You love me like You do.. I will spend my life being grateful that You do.
In Jesus name Amen.
Scriptures to Carry With You
Romans 5:8 – “But God commendeth his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.”
Psalm 8:4 – “What is man that art mindful of him?. The son of man that thou visitest him?”
Psalm 139:1–2 – “O LORD thou hast searched me. Known me. Thou knowest my mine uprising thou understandest my thought afar off.”
Lamentations 3:22–23 – “It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
1 John 4:9–10 – God’s love was revealed through sending His Son so that we might live through Him. Love begins not with our love for God. With His love for us and Christ’s sacrifice, for our sin.
I do not have to understand a love this to receive it. I just have to remember: He knew me. He knows me.. He loves me still.
FREE looks good on you.
